It was my second week of my new job, and made a mistake!
"Let us then approach God's throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need" -Hebrews 4:16.
God is always there, and like the verse in Psalm 121:4, He doesn't sleep of slumber .
Often times, because we think that God is there all the time, we can have the mentality of an all-access store. It doesn't mean that we will always hear what we want or get what we want all the time, however it does mean that we can trust that He will always be there for us, and that He knows exactly what we need at the right time (See Ecclesiastes 3:1).
What placed importance on this, was after a day I made a mistake at work (it was only the beginning of a new job, but still, this can apply in any stage in life right?). Funny thing is, that was the first day I wore my bracelet that said, "Grace" on it. I remember that I "randomly" walked up to my closet, looked at the bracelet and said, "I'm going to wear this today". I did not realise that God was going to use it to show me more about his Grace and His love.
The details of the mistake don't matter because it's not too important for this, but I tried to see how I could fix it, and I was open about it with my colleagues, which was helpful.
With God, it's more than the practical, or rather more than the 24/7 quick-stop-shop to fix something. In this case, when I prayed, "God help!" it was more than Him fixing the mistake in the way I wanted it to look like.
With this, He could have chosen to miraculously make it better, but instead, He comforted me, pulled me out of my own thoughts about it, and gave me confidence in regards to this matter.
To think that I only wanted something to be practically fixed could not be an end to itself. As radical as it sounds, I do believe that to think of having only the practicals is to think lowly of God because he provides much more than than practical aspects (see Matthew 4:4, and Mark 10:17-31) (please note, I said if it's the only thing as an end to itself). We have a big God who takes a deeper route, aiming to leave us changed for forever. It doesnt matter if it's practical things like a mistake at work, a quiet prayer for a parking spot, a friendship, or about practical aspects for your dreams. What I know is, any encounter with the Maker is not about Him giving us the answer to that prayer so we can leave and say "bye Felicia!", no, it should leaves us not only changed forever, but much closer to Him.
Again, it may not be in the way we want it and in the timing we want it, but He is faithful (See Philippians 1:6).
So God took it deeper at work that day and said to me "you are being hard on yourself Tawana". I felt a deep sense of Him speaking more on my heart, saying, "I understand you, I get what you went through, I feel your emotions for it, and I'm here. I listen, I heard, and I care for you".
For Him to pour into me more than any physical fix brought more life and triumph to me, which enabled me to be empowered in the moment, but for this time.
I am grateful that I have colleagues who get the same boat and who said that it was only my second week and it was the time for learning and making mistakes.
But, what if I didn't have those colleagues' listening ear that day, or what If I don't have that tomorrow? Who can I count on?
And that's when I see a gentle but so enthusiastic Hand wave around to bring joy to my heart, saying "I'm here, regardless of it all, I AM". And that was who proved Himself that day.
Looking back, I see that I still needed to hear that God Himself was listening and there for me, even if other people were there too, because in me I knew that His words were truth above it all, and His touch and comfort could dive into a depth that will miraculously alter me inside out.
To know "it's okay, I got this" from God says wonders. And that's God, our partner, the number one and defender who, even before we had relationship, still chose us. And I want to continue to choose Him for much deeper than getting what I want when I want, but because of His character which cares, in spite of the dumb stuff I might do, say or try.
Deeper than that, I know that often times perception plays a big role in what we do or decide. Regardless of how many errors we make, it's about realising that it is about acknowledging the pieces that scattered and saying, "here it is, and here I am, I give this to you God, I know that you care much deeper than my mistakes", and then letting go.
I know I should remember this every second of the day, but I don't.
But of course, that's also why we have Holy Spirit living in us, and I am reminded of Grace. I'm reminded of the bracelet I had worn in the physical that day. I'm reminded that He only goes deeper. The "I" who was actually Holy Spirits' amazing idea to pick up that bracelet that morning wanted to remind me that we see things physically, but we've been given access to see the highest title of the work that God can do to He transform. And what is physical, is deeper spiritually; that's why the most amazing man named Jesus died for us.
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