Sometimes forgiveness is not as light, nor as 'bright'...
I started singing the tune by India Arie this morning, and the reason, well..what had happened was..
I was supposed to meet at friend at 12:30 for lunch, and the night before I had slept rather late for many many reasons. My alarm went off in the morning and my body didn't want to co-operate; it was only my mind that was going: is it time yet? Maybe?.. And bam…back to the sleep-zone.
Long story short, it was 14:30 when I next woke up! :/
*ding ding!* my internal alarm went off! Oh boy…I had a missed call and a message! :(
I sent her a message back, then I tried to relax. Feeling horrible about missing our appointment, and I prayed for the grace for this. I was in panic mode praying until He lightly put a song in my head by India Arie called 'The Heart of The Matter', "it's about…forgiveness…forgiveness.."
and I thought.. huh? haha! It seemed He was more light hearted about this than I was but it didn't ring a bell until later in the evening, but back to the story...
I called my friend later on, STILL feeling horrible, and apologized. She started giggling about it and I said, "heeyyyy… why are you laughing, I feel SO horrible!" and she said it was okay and started giggling even more. I knew it was okay and she was alright with it, but I still felt bad. I had to throw it out and think of the positives, which were: at least we had planned to meet at her work, so it worked out fine that she was in the same building she was going to be in all day..and *phew* did it make that better. :) The main thing was letting go, forgiving myself (and not being too hard on myself), and going about the day. ;-)
I started seeing the effect of forgiveness..the laughter…the joy… :) it made sense now. God starts to replace the part we let go with His wonderful joyful qualities and love. No more worries, or as I like to say, Hakuna Matata! ...*breathe*;-). Whatever you've forgiven might pop in your head again, but try to take it back, give it to God and say "no, I have forgiven, I've moved on, I'm hanging onto Christ!" As it is written:
"We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ" -2 Corinthians 10:5
It's funny because this nice story could somewhat end there and we could all bounce down the rainbow and talk about how lovely it is to forgive just like that, but that's not always the reality. Sometimes forgiveness is not as light, nor as 'bright' as the way it went in the situation above..with people smiling and saying: "it's alright!" Sometimes it's tougher.
Maybe you've been wronged, and are holding it in.
Forgiveness is for letting God take control, and to breathe again. You deserve that again my dear friend. It's painful, but allow Him to take control of the situation. Take a look at His promises; will He ever let you down? Never. It says,
"God is not human, that he should lie, not a human being, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not act? Does he promise and not fulfill?" -Numbers 23:19
It might be even harder when the person you forgive doesn't even say 'I'm sorry', or plays it cool, or even pretends like it never happened, but allow yourself to breathe again. Let go, breathe,and allow God to STEP IN and take control. God sees all sides of the situation. You might not even like them or hang out with the person again, but you can breath again. Let. it. go. and laugh again. His Arms are big enough to carry what's within.
"He will cover you with his feathers. He will shelter you with his wings. His faithful promises are your armor and protection" -Psalm 91:4
And if it's healing you need, you will find it.